Published: Oct 10, 2012 12:00:00 PM

My second question concerned the common cold. I knew, based on the answer to my first question, that I couldn't just eat this man's brain and absorb his medical knowledge that way. Maybe he was just trying to discourage cannibalism. I couldn't take that chance, at least not right then. I didn't want mad-cow disease.

"Is there actually a cure for the common cold?"

The doctor drank his beer. Memories reeled off inside his head -- ones not for eating. "There is not. However, you can attack the symptoms and your immune system will take care of the rest in about 10 days or so."

That was a professional answer.

9 Ways To Not Suck At Being Sick In The Workplace

1: Drink fluids. Water? Yes, drink water. Ginger ale? Sure, that's a good one. Gatorade? Yeah, it's got electrolytes and whatnot, drink that! Especially orange Gatorade. The color orange has curative properties. Green tea? Green tea has ancient Chinese secret healing powers, so drink that, if you can. Coffee? In moderation. Gangnam Style? Yes, Gangnam Style is a fluid, and you should consume as much of it as possible. Most meds will dry you out like a motherfucker, so to counteract that, drink fluids. Stop hacking up a lung and chug herbal tea.

2: Dayquil is as disgusting as it is orange, and it will heal you from the inside-out. Take it in pill-form so you don't have to taste it. Take it late-morning when your Frosted Flakes sugar-rush is beginning to wane -- then it'll last through the workday, and that's what we're going for here.

3: Vitamins and aspirin will keep your throat from closing up and make you perkier. I'm kind of on the fence about vitamins, but placebos are a great help with being sick. Also, Ginseng, perhaps? If you're pouting and you want people to feel sorry for you for having da sniffoos, or to be able to readily point at yourself and say, "Sick as a dog, yo. Check out my phlegm," then you're failing at illness. Would you rather be easy to identify as diseased, or be in recovery? 

5: NyQuil is a weapon of mass destruction. It will knock you out, and dry you out, and help you sleep if you have a cough, and it will give you some effed-up dreams, so use it sparingly.

6: Sleep, don't party. You're on the Disabled List. Don't become a disease-vector. Isolate yourself, medicate, sleep, watch the first two seasons of Lost. Hopefully you'll be better before you get to season 3. Season 3 will just make you sicker. You're not impressing anybody if you show your face in public with a mouth covered it boogers. Shut it down, bro.

7: Cough drops are useful, but they shouldn't get in the way of your fluid-consumption. Go with sugar-free if you can so your mouth doesn't get all sticky.

8: Afrin is the neutron bomb to NyQuil's Fat Man and Little Boy. You can only use it once a day for three days, at which point, you'll become addicted to it, and that is no joke. But oh lordy, goddamn, will it blow out your sinuses.

9: Green Tea with honey is your new best friend. Did you know this is also the cure for SARS? It is.

-- Alex Crumb (originally published 10/10/12)
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