If you've been watching the NFL opening weekend, you've certainly seen a few hundred car ads. It comes as no surprise that auto-makers have taken no strides to sell automobiles to young people. The definition of "young person" also appears to be tumbling, too.
The real trouble is the Millennial generation not only has no desire for a car, or any money for a car, they don't even know what a cool car even looks like.
I ran an experiment and showed some photographs to some Millennials. I asked them to choose which cars looked the coolest to them. The results were laughable.
Okay, is this a cool car? 
Well, look a little harder. This is a captured .gif of a cellphone. This isn't a car. It's a pretty cool-looking cellphone. I know that much!
It has some cool technology backing it up! Know what else has cool technology in it? Cars. They've got touch screens and cameras now, just like this cellphone pictured above. Imagine that, right?
It's not a car. By definition, if it is not a car, it cannot be a cool car.
Okay, the search continues.
Now this ought to be a car Millennials like, right?
No, I think this is technically a scooter. It's got two wheels, not four. Kinda close. It's still used for conveyance, but it lacks the range of the standard American automobile.
You're nearly there. A lot of people in urban environments use the scooter to get around, in particular in larger European cities where space is at a premium.
You'll likely get good fuel mileage on that scooter. I can safely say that it isn't a cool car though. In fact, auto companies would prefer it if we removed this image from the deck altogether to avoid confusion.
Plus, you wouldn't want your friends to see you riding a scooter, right? They're a little effeminate.
A Millennial would think this is a cool car!
Maybe? Except that isn't a car, either. That's a piece of outdoor modern art. You could potentially sit and admire it. You could study its craftsmanship. You could contemplate its meaning.
You couldn't use it to get around.
Wouldn't you prefer to study how cool cars are? They have craftsmanship. They kinda have an art all their own. They've got that strange smell when they're new. That factory-and-fake-leather odor.
With a car, you not only get to admire the handiwork, but also use it to travel America's storied highways and byways.
This object here though, it's nothing.
Nothing in this photograph has wheels or an engine though. Sorry. It's not a cool car.
Young people love this one cool car.
If we're splitting hairs, this isn't a car, it's actually a screencapture of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's daily dietary plan. While it's good for fueling the energy required to get around, and a fascinating object in its own right, it's not automobile.
Do you even know what a car is? Four wheels? Motor? It can travel long distances very quickly?
The best car for Millennials.
That's a photo of your mom's minivan. Jesus, what's wrong with you people? Is your mom still driving you around?
C'mon, would you just buy a car? They get you places. They look cool, not that you'd know!
And they make you feel like you've got a huge freaking balls. They're rolling status symbols that you can take anywhere.
This stupid country is so dang big, would you just use get an automobile and drive some of the billions of miles of roads out there? We're paying for all of it, go and use it.
Just lookit all that land out there in America! So much land. And it's all ours.
We can build roads all over it. And drive on the roads with cars. Cool freaking cars. But you wouldn't know anything about that. You live in a 200 square foot box above a cross-fit gym.
No, no. Instead of buying a car, you've gotta spend money on food. You look at art in public places. You even consider buying a scooter. What're you, Spanish? Go jerk off to images of an iPhone why don't you.
We'll just keep selling Buicks to the near-dead driving from church to the supermarket on Sunday. Sunday's gameday, jerks! Pick up a fucking football for once in your life and you might begin to understand.
