The notion of "Who would win in a fight between...?" is one of the oldest debates in the history of man. After the cavemen got fed up arguing over whether a mammoth could kill a saber-tooth tiger in the midst of a starvation-hallucination, they decided to invent intangible, imaginary gods that were totally way more powerful than the ones the other cavemen worshipped, dude, because their god can throw lightning and shapeshift into a bull if he wanted to. The arguments raged for centuries, gods and men have warred, cities burned, crops were sewn with fire and salt, all because people were insistent that these rivalries were worth arguing over.

Without further adieu, let's debate.

The 9 Greatest "Who Would Win In A Fight Between...?" Debates:

Could Robocop kill a Terminator?

Yes. But it would be close. Robocop isn't as maneuverable as a Terminator (we're talking a T-800), but he is equally-bulletproof and comes pre-loaded with weapons, whereas a T-800 has to obtain his boots, clothes, and motorcycle.

Pirates or Ninjas?

Ninjas. Duh. No contest. Pirates are loud, drunken, and reckless. They would make for easy targets for the ninjas, who are masters of disguise and speed. Unless if we're talking about Hayabusa, who would just cut a dude's head off and be totally casual about it.

Does Ryu stand a chance against Scorpion?

Technically, Scorpion is an immortal hellspawn. Technically, Ryu has been known to Hadoken demons in half. In terms of raw fighting skill, Ryu has been training for longer -- it's all he kinda does. Then again, Scorpion is no slouch, and he uses a spear a rope that may or may not be alive. Shit, I dunno about this one.

If John Waters and David Lynch got in a fist-fight, who would win?

Side-note: they're both stone-sober, but neither has slept in 3 days. Short answer, John Waters would win. Lynch would go down, and he would go down hard, but it would take a lot to make him stay down. He'd probably be dead on his feet, still fighting with his soul halfway to purgatory. This one would last a long goddamn time. It would end with a lot of blood and shit on the canvas when all is said and done.

Giant squid versus sperm whale? Sperm whale.

It's an underdog rivalry and the giant squid always puts up a good fight -- nevertheless, sperm whales win. It's just a fact of life. Grass grows, birds chirp, and baby, sperm whales eat giant squid.

What casues worse blackouts -- gin or tequila?

Ow. Some people would say tequila, no contest. However, those people would be emphatically wrong. It's way harder to come back off of a gin-bender than face a tequila sunrise. That's just a fact. Gin is dry as hell and dehydrates you. A tequila hangover is a hangover. A gin hangover feels like you had a piano dropped on your head.

Al Capone versus Skeletor.

Hmmyaahh! Yaah? Myaah, see?! Byaahh. Grah? Nyah! Hurrnyaahh! So ya wanna go, yeah? Braw hah! Gnyeaaahh!!

You versus x-number of five year-olds.

How many five year-olds do you think you could take in a fight? We're talking feral, rage-infected Lord of the Flies five year-olds in an open space. It could end really quickly, especially since you can't intimidate the the five year-olds, (due to their bloodlust) and they could take you down by the legs and chew out your traechia. Make no mistake, this is the future we're heading toward. In a land where healthcare is currency (lol...?) and the only entertainment not owned by media giants are amateur SoundCloud playlists and free books by the side of our digital highways, you need to consider your willingness to gut-punch a kindergartener. It's an important question to consider -- how many do you think you could take down before they take you down?

Goku versus Superman is the greatest undecided geek-debate ever.

Some will argue that Superman would never kill Goku. Others state that Goku would insist upon fighting fair. In terms of raw power, Goku could blow up a planet, which unfortunately for him is something that Superman could proabbly survive. Also, Superman can survive in space for a pretty long time without breathing and Goku can't. Well, there you go. Goku blows up the planet and suffocates. Stupid Saiyan. Debate ended.

++ GET BONUS!! ++

How many fully-grown men could an adult silverback gorilla take in a fight?

I'd say about a dozen. Those gorillas don't get tired easily. Plus, animal rage, they'd one-punch kill humans and not give half of a hecking fuck about it.

Did I miss one? There are still some great rivalries out there that I'm sure I didn't mention.

-- Alex Crumb (originally published 5/23/12)
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