Published: Nov 28, 2012 12:00:00 PM

wii-u-gamepad-remote.jpg

Want to know what's great about the Wii U? That nobody can figure out if it's good or not. There are arguments for both camps. Lots of people want it to become popular -- they're probably big Nintendo fans. Lots of people are rooting for its failure -- they're probably fans of something different.

Here are a few negatives that have come up in the last week since the thing launched, summoned from my brains:

1: The menus / apps load slowly.
2: It requires a 5 GB patch to go online.
3: The emulation of original Wii games is still in 480p and is not up-scaled.
4: The GamePad tablet-controller needs to be recharged frequently.

I'm going to take the high road on this and assume that the people leveling these criticisms are in the industry of leveling criticisms. They're paid to stand alongside, and consistently evaluate, potential fun-levels, like the manager of the guy that wears the Daffy Duck costume at Six Flags in Tampa, Florida. On the subject, that manager really wants a microscope for Christmas so he can finally try to find his balls -- and a mustache comb for combing his back hair.

I can't trust these people. They're hateful. I don't work in the industry of recommending entertainment, but you don't go to The Industry to get recommendations on fun and happiness. You go to some person that has one.

 That is why, a a week or so since launch, I give you 9 reasons why the Wii U is worth the $350 they charge for a Deluxe model:

1: In total, the Wii U is a Roku box, a couch-ready Internet table, a universal remote, a Wii, and every other Nintendo system, ever (except a GameCube).

Here's the math:

Roku HD -- $59.99
Tablet for the couch -- $130 (cheapest tablet available to compensate for its required close-proximity to the Wii U)
Universal remote -- $134.53 (lower-end Harmony universal remote)
Wii -- $150
Every other Nintendo system, ever (except GameCube) -- Prices range from $18.82 - $300 for various makes / models for each.

Total = $493.34

2: Even though the Wii U is underpowered, no system has ever been the best system because of sheer horsepower.

N64, Xbox, and PS3 were the biggest, baddest systems of their generations, and none of them were the top-sellers. You can point to various victories that those platforms celebrated: 4-player, Xbox Live, Blu-Ray, whatever, and you can still Like Them The Most, despite them not being as "popular" sales-wise. So, if you can live without that rod up your butt, you might be alright playing the Wii U and knowing it's not cranking the most graphics around.

3: It isn't a negative that the Wii U requires a one-time setup -- any major device does.

You know, like a cellphone. Like a TV. Like gosh-darn ANYTHING! What kind of technophile doesn't like setting up electronics? I can't believe people are shitting tears of jaundiced-piss because it required a firmware update on day one. Firmware updates are good, they can fix things like UI and lengthy loading, so give them time, those problems might be fixed, and yes, we live in this era where there are patches to be downloaded. If you prefer, you can go back to your glitch-ridden, poorly-translated, coax-cable connected, 64-bit monstrosities with their $80 cartridge-games?

Actually, that sounds pretty rad and/or tubular. The Wii U plays those. You can download them straight to the system for $10.

nintendo-land-balloon-fight.jpg

4: The Wii U has boardgame-zaniness.

Just like Cranium, Nintendo Land is a game that nobody will ever get uncomfortably-good at, and that will be to its benefit. It's half-theme park, half-game night, and 100% homage to Nintendo's adoration of its own farts. Still better than Kinect.

5: It's a wildcard, and yet the Wii U is also safe bet.

Who the heck knows what the system might be? It might produce some maddening gems like the Wii. Or it might just produce a few solid-granite Mario, Zelda, and Metroid games, and we'll call it a day. Are you hip enough to take those odds? Or are you a fiscal conservative / social liberal?

6: The Wii U is kinda indie.

Other systems are off playing home to the Halos and the Uncharteds with the million-dollar budgets and dick-swinging marketing campaigns. Elsewhere, Nintendo is making a system that's comfortable and cozy doing its own thing. Its in-controller screen is unique while not being the mandatory-weirdness that the Wii-mote was. It's the biggest, weirdest haunted art-house in the game right now.

7: As the "one-and-only" system for a household, the Wii U wins by a country mile.

If you only plan on owning one game system at a time, right now, this is the one you want and need. It is a mish-mash of the Xbox 360's attempts to be the entertainment-nexus, the Wii's quirky broad-appeal, and the PS3's heavy, intricate Japanese design. It is the system of Right Now. In a year, it might not be. Neither will your phone, TV, and fashion, all of which cost less than $350. For these reasons, this is a ideal hub-platform for tech-savvy young couples with disposable income that don't live and die by Xbox Live as much as it is game-system for families that played Mario Kart Wii together.

8: Damn, the Wii U's controller-design is elegant, utilitarian, and exactly what you'd imagine the SNES controller to look like 22 years in the future.

If it's good enough for the SNES, then it's good enough for me. We're all in agreement that the SNES was the best system of all time, right? And the SNES had a wired-controller! You have to put the Wii U GamePad in a cradle when you're not using it to charge it, and unlike the iPhone 5, you can replace and upgrade its battery. We weren't talking about the iPhone 5? Oh, never mind, then.

9: It should not be understated that the Wii U something new, and also that it the Wii U is still very new.

The alleged, hypothetical, unconfirmed-PS4 and Xbox xobX will be potentially more powerful and will be able to make more graphics. And? What's their value-proposition? Will the games be better? Will their menus load faster? Will their hard-drives be bigger? Will it just use clouds to save games like the PS3 kinda does now? Will they stream games over an Internet connection whose speeds are controlled by another company (Comcast? Verizon? Time Warner?)? Will the games be cheaper and give me more hours of uninterrupted entertainment? Will these systems be at all different from one another?

We have answers to none of these questions and people are assuming both new offerings will be splayed out on our TVs this time next year.

They'll have broader appeal, I'll tell you that. A massive, multiplatform game release requires safe bets these days, welded together with market-projections and huge ad-buys during SportsCenter and South Park. Well done, people decrying the Wii U and patiently for these new, popular, high-powered systems. You're siding with management, with Two and a Half Men, with Dancing With The Stars, with the New York Yankees, with Transformers: Dark of the Moon, with Maroon 5, with Microsoft, and with Sony. Nice. Big win, guys! That was a league game, but damn, did you pull it off!

If the current states of Microsoft and Sony are any indication, their systems will have lotsa Windows 8 integration and will have, I dunno, multiple touch-screens, respectively.

-- Alex Crumb (originally published 11/28/12)
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