"People talk about the distribution of wealth in modern times. Imagine that, except a double-kujillion times worse, plus religious control, times XFINITY! The bosses of religion were the equivalent of Isaac Hayes in Escape From New York."
I recently read a report that a nail -- roughly 3.5 inches long and pretty intimidating as far as nails go (overcompensating, Trent Reznor? (I kid, you fucking rock (I fucking hate Kid Rock))) -- was discovered during a dig on a tiny island off the coast of Madeira. Madeira is a decent-sized island that's technically part of Portugal, and is actually located in the Atlantic off the coast of Morocco. Now, the tiny island had a fort on it, and inside that fort was a box, and in that box was where they found the 3.5 inch nail. What's interesting about the nail is that it's not all that rust, and is in fact quite smooth and well-preserved. And do you know who once held that fort? The Knights Templar! Really? The same Knights that occupied Jerusalem during the first Crusade in the 12th century? Of course. Does that mean... oh, holy (!) shit!! This nail is significant! It may, or may not, but it just might, have been used to crucify somebody. Know anybody important in history not named Brian that was crucified?
The immediate conclusion to jump to is that this ancient nail is in such fine condition centuries later is because Christ bled on it, and his blood has the qualities of silver polish, natch. Now, that's a pretty keen superpower, but it's also really highly fucking unlikely! And anybody that that theory can stand on that evidence is asking a whole lot.
Chances are, this nail was used to attach Jesus to The Cross. A Cross? A cross. I mean, that cross wasn't significant. It was? Oh, well, I'm not capitalizing it, just like I don't have to clarify who Jesus was.
During their occupation of Jerusalem from 1099 to 1147, the Knights Templar, who we all know as the iron right hand of the might Pope Urban II (the ghetto Pope), seized many divine artifacts from the Holy Land. One of which was most definitely a certain nail. And they hid it, because shit that Jesus touched couldn't just be on display for people to see. It had to be hidden. In a box in a fort on an island off the coast of Morocco under Portuguese control. Nobody expects The Man From Lisbon! Bwahahahaaa!
It's pretty plain to see that Pop Urban II had a great deal of foresight. He knew, using his God-future-vision-infallibility, that Jesus would be pissed if he didn't hide the very nail that the Romans had used to hang him on the cross (a cross? (across from what? (hah! Thanks, Mitch Hurwitz!))), an act through which he absolved all the sins of humanity up until that point. And seriously, it's a special 'effing nail. It's super-smooth and mad-tasty, like drinking a blended cashmere sweater. Hello, son-of-God blood! That's why all these artifacts keep popping up in great condition. Because it's stuff Jesus bled on.
If it's so well-preserved, how come they even bother digging it up? They're just going to throw it in a closet somewhere. Tangentially, you cannot be fucking serious! Do you know how stupid people were during the Crusades / Middle Ages / Medieval / Dark Ages. There is not a single person on earth that looks back on an era of fiefdoms and feudal lords, and says, "gosh, things were at their best back then. What progressive, humane, honest, caring people that lived in those centuries that have literally be labeled the Dark Ages. I mean, they must've been both wise and smart." Pope Urban II probably had leprosy and slapped a beard of leeches on his face if he caught a cold. He was some old Italian motherfucker that most likely ordered thousands of knights to go die for God and... well, God, again, countries hadn't really been invented yet, and that all their sins would be re-missed. Like he's some kind of claims collector. In his wisdom and divine, loving soul, he told people to go and die for his lecherous ass.
Is it at all possible that he planned this? That he could engineer a conspiracy of this level? Think of people like Copernicus or Newton, some of the smartest men in history, and they were still probably dumber than the dumbest stoner at Brown University.
But, BUT! That was all a FRONT set up by the Pope! No, honestly, look at all the evidence! The Pope had to do that because he was informed by the doctrine of Un'skenth Grah (made up just now to prove a point, not real), which was what Jesus secretly passed on to the 13th Unknown Apostle, that all physical evidence of Jesus has to be hidden from humanity's sight. It was all a power-grab! That's where the Knights Templare came in. They were Urban II's personal guard, his SS, if you will, and they followed his orders blindly. They were like the terminators from Terminator Salvation, and they were sworn to protect all Jesus merch for a thousand years to conceal the fact that they were really... well, clueless, mostly.
I know, right? Intense. It was basically to conceal the fact that the Knights Templar, the Pope, the Catholic Church, fuck, anybody in power at that time, were a clueless band of lazy, incestuous, boy-rapist, shit-wreathed lords that liked getting blumpkins from anybody (anybody!). People talk about the distribution of wealth in modern times. Imagine that, except a double-kujillion times worse, plus religious control, times XFINITY! The bosses of religion were the equivalent of Isaac Hayes in Escape From New York. They were leaders of the world's biggest street gang. Think of all the awful stories you've heard about the shit that nasty gangs, whether in movies, or in real life, or in Baltimore, have done over the years. Now think of all the worst stories you've read about in your fucking history books about genocide and holy wars and burning cities to the ground rather than letting your enemy hold it for a moment.
-- Alex Crumb (originally published 12/8/10)
