Published: Aug 31, 2016 12:00:00 PM

robots-replace-people.jpgMillennials ruined work ethic.

Millennials ruined looking the other way.

Millennials ruined monogamy, dating, and forced intimacy as an overarching life-goal.

Millennials ruined bog-standard television when they recognized how silly they were for believing Full House was anything more than a tasteless early-90s stab at late-50s wholesomeness.

Millennials ruined the housing market.

Buy a freaking house, why don't you, please?! Do you want to live in that roach motel and sleep on Hank's futon for the rest of your life?

Millennials ruined fashion because true fashion is comfort and self-expression. Even in their uncertainty, Millennials know their self-expression isn't demanding uniform coats and ties from themselves or from their peers.

Millennials ruined vacation. They have no money, so they can't travel. Punks! What, again with this? Do you seriously LIKE where you live? Hasn't employment literally driven you from the city, out into the suburbs, where it's so quiet you'd do anything to fuck a baby to life and create some soothing, costly, all-night shrieking?

Millennials ruined dentistry. Pay the dentist to blast your mouth with fluoride!

Millennials ruined sports with their minimal attention span and their indifference to high school-level ritualization of over-designed competition between millionaires trying to remember written and unwritten rules.

Millennials ruined the outdoors. Do you just lie around all day in the sun?

Millennials ruined the indoors. Of course, you'd have to be nuts to go outside looking like that!

Millennials ruined automobiles, public transportation, taxi cabs, cycling, walking, jogging, running, neighborhood safety, cold hard cash, the credit industry, and the entire city of Detroit.

Millennials ruined movies. They're all just fulla sexy young people now.

Millennials ruined beards for everybody else.

Millennials ruined the electric-razor-military-industrial-complex, and, by proxy, last-minute Christmas gifts for dad.

Millennials ruined masculinity. What're guys even into now?

Millennials ruined femininity. How do you even manage to talk to girls these days?

Millennials ruined guns.

Millennials ruined hats.

Millennials ruined NASCAR.

Millennials ruined owning land. Why don't they want to own land? You can bury so much stuff out there if you own the land! You'd be a fool to not own land and you'd be a fool not to be burying stuff out there in the land you own. It's yours!

Millennials ruined telephone conversations.

-- Alex Crumb
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