". . .fuck the Greek System with its first-rites and birth-rites and. . . night. . . lights(?) The Internet is the congealed collective unconscious, and for all its inane stupidity, it can spot the creative and the original, and a frat brother is neither of those things!"
We want to start a new feature. It's called sponsorship!
Today's entry (which we'll get to in just a sec) is brought to you by something the Internet loves and something the Internet hates. It's fairly self-explanatory.
The Internet Loves: [Nikolai Tesla]
The Internet Hates: [The Greek System]
Nikolai Tesla:
In short, Nikolai Tesla is a living manifestation of all that is fucking badass about science, most notably the madder sectors. He basically was the template for Steampunk, the second greatest of the ‘Punks, just below ‘Cyber- (think Ghost in the Shell) and just above ‘Desert- (Think Lawrence of Arabia, if Peter O'Toole rode a camel made of riveted steel powered by depleted Uranium). The Internet loves that kind of shit. Tesla was a rebel, a wizard, and a psycho that experimented with the type of scorching electricity you envision when you air guitar, or pretend you’re the Olympian king Zeus in one of his less bestiality-charged moments. Fucking LIGHTNING, not... electricity. Seriously though, fuck Thomas Edison, the constipated old prig. David Bowie hates you, Thomas Edison, and the Internet loves Nikolai Tesla. God bless the magnifying transmitter!
The Greek System:
And the Greek System! The Internet hates the Greek System. Frats, sorors, whatever -- if the Internet owned a battery of space lasers, the remains of every Kappa Delta Rape-Cave chapter would make Human Centipede look reasonable and sane by comparison -- pastel collars and Land Rover keychains fluttering back to earth amidst red mist and shell necklaces. Fraternities are the summation of a lot of things the Internet loathes: bros, backwards hats, entitlement, unrestricted human abuse, and elitism. Fuck exclusive, unattainable joy that’s given to some and withheld from others, and fuck the Greek System with its first-rites and birth-rites and. . . night. . . lights(?) The Internet is the congealed collective unconscious, and for all its inane stupidity, it can spot the creative and the original, and a frat brother is neither of those things!
Now, our regularly-scheduled programming. We liked the "Brought to you by..." feature, so we'll probably use it again. If you have any suggestions, ummm... suggest them.
How awesome would a completely empty town be? For personal use, we mean. You pay a small fee. You get all the beer you can drink. And you are set loose into an empty town. Don't think it would be awesome? It fucking would be! You can throw rocks at cars. You can take a shit on the sidewalk. You can reach over the bar and drink out of the beer tap like it's a water fountain. You can upend a mailbox, read some unsent letters, and then jaywalk. You could take a nap in the middle of the street! How would you feel? You'd feel like a goddamn badass, that's how! You could bring in some friends and hit golf balls out of the back of a moving pickup at passing buildings. You could have a really loud party inside a library and play King of the Hill on top of a big pile of books. You could eat cheeseburgers while playing a church organ. You could push a station wagon into a gorge. You could play with the meat slicer at the super market. You could burn every copy of Twilight in a bookstore. You could make really strong coffee at the abandoned Starbucks. At the laundromat, you could fill every machine with soap, turn them all on, and leave the lids open, running out into the street while foam chases you like the blob, from that movie The Blob. You could run a rally race around the town square, out to the high school baseball diamond, through the lumber mill, and straight out the front window of the McDonald's.
Chaos, and fun, would ensue.
-- Alex Crumb (originally published 11/16/10)
