We really don't need to honor America all that much. America is a self-perpetuating Honor-Machine that runs on liberty and pisses freedom. We invented the 4th of July. We invented the President and the lightbulb and the helicopter and the eagle, and the eagle is the baddest bird ever invented. It was also America's idea to put the words "fuck" and "yeah" next to each other when watching movies. That's why we've got to count down the best Fuck Yeah, America movies on Earth, which is the planet that America is on.
Honorable Mention: Enter The Ninja, which is a movie about a white man with a mustache who proves Americans make the best ninjas.
Now, on to the main list!
9 Great Fourth Of July, "Fuck Yeah, America!" Movies
#9 -- Team America: World Police
Most relevantly, it's the only known movie on earth to feature a song titled "America: Fuck Yeah!" so for that reason, it makes the list. It also features Americans blowing up other less American parts of the world, and refusing thanks for their noble deeds, which is a really God-to-damn American thing to do. We Americans don't need no other thanks, just remember who's number one, alright, man?
#8 -- Captain America: The First Avenger
Well, it ain't called Captain Canada, dipshit. See, this is a movie that proves just how great America is because it takes some normal American guy and puts a gun in his hand, and the dude just gets the job done, and he's all, "No big deal, I'm gonna ride a motorcycle through this battlefield, and this is happening, so just sit back and deal with it, alright? I'm mothafuckin' Captain America, accept no substitue, bitch." He kills Nazis that were so evil that they got kicked out the normal Nazi club, and Captain America fights them hand-to-hand, and with guns, and in a tank, and on a plane, and while riding on a missle, and on a train, in Brookyln (which is in America), and in Europe (which is not America). The villain of the movie is played by an Australian, which is a kind of British person that was kicked out of Britain for being a criminal, but in he's playing a German, so that's 3 sorts of ass that Captain America gets to kick all at once.
Captain America punches him so hard he flies through a rip in space-time.
#7 -- Army Of Darkness
Just like Captain America, Ash Williams is just a normal American guy that is put into a situation that would be tough as shit -- if he weren't an American. After being accidentally transported to an evil medieval dimension, he's made king in about five minutes, and with only one hand. Then, using standard American technology like the shotgun, and the car, and the chainsaw, and basic high-school chemistry, he defeats the the Army of Darkness. Say it with me, kids: "This... is... my... BOOMSTICK!"
#6 -- Big Trouble In Little China
Kurt Russell is a national treasure. The end.
Oh, there's more here. So, in Big Trouble In Little China, he is a trucker, one of the noblest of professions. He takes on a gang of Chinese demons that are getting a little uppity and trying to steal America's women. Technically, he's not even the hero of this movie, but that doesn't matter for the moment.
Even though Kim Cattrall is gross, he bothers to save her anyway out of politeness. Even if he's not really sure what's going on at any particular time, and he doesn't know karate or anything, Kurt Russell as Jack Burton doesn't sweat it, he knows how to throw a punch and how to shoot a gun. You don't need to get any fancier than that.
Kurt Russell does not know what is going on.
#5 -- Commando
Some British SAS asshole kidnaps John Matrix's daughter. Man, John Matrix just wanted to live a peaceful life. He was retired. He was done with combat. And then these wannabe's just had to awaken the sleeping giant. Don't rile up the bear, man, don't summon the walking apocalypse. John Matrix gets himself more guns than most African nations and assaults the compound where they were holding his daughter, and probably kills Pablo Escobar, but he eventually impales the British SAS guy on a pipe -- who is wearing chain-mail for some total-pussy reason.
#4 -- Die Hard
John McClane, an American cop, kills an entire building full of Germany's supposedly-finest terrorists, makes friends with his black limo driver, sticks it to the FBI when they can't get the job done, and patches things up with his wife in time for Christmas. And it only takes him like 3 hours. Fuckin' America as fuck, man. Fuckin' Die Hard, man. The sequels are not that great, except With A Vengeance, which is okay.
#3 -- Armageddon
Bruce Willis once again proves that not only are Americans the toughest humans on Earth, they're also the toughest humans in the galaxy. Tougher than space rocks. Here's some math for you:
(America + huge-ass drills) x Nukes on a spaceship > The Milky Way's "Best" Asteroid
Tolerance for Ben Affleck
Cue up the Aerosmith and laugh at the destruction of Paris, France. Nobody gives a fuck, France. I didn't see French Bruce Willis anywhere around that exploding asteroid. Cowards.
#2 -- Rocky IV
A film that stopped the Cold War through Rocky's sheer Force Of America. It started as a revenge story for Ivan Drago's murder of Apollo Creed in the ring, but then it turned into something so much greater. Rocky leaves his expensive opulance behind in America and remembers just what it means to be American. He trains outdoors in Siberia for his match, climbing mountains and outrunning his Soviet surveillance detail -- that's what they get for driving German cars. Wouldn't have happened to a Chevrolet! But hey, what's so great about Rocky IV is that it didn't stop the Cold War through war, because even the Ruskies know better than to go to war with America, instaed, Rocky IV stops the Cold War through Rocky and Drago understanding each other. And Rocky beating his ass so bad in a boxing match. Fuck yeah, America!
#1 -- Independence Day
Was there any question? Americans are tougher than Germans, asteroids, and with Independence Day, we proved that we're tougher than the meanest sentient bug-people that the universe can throw at us. What, you want us to send our toughest American at you? Yeah, how about we just send our smartest? Jeff Goldblum, motherfucker! He programs a virus so good that it breaks the aliens' special green shields. Should have built a better firewall, bitch! Just sayin'. This movie is flawless. Bill Pullman is the finest American president that America has ever produced. He flies jets and he loves his family.
Except maybe the president in FromSoftware's mecha-action moron game: METAL WOLF CHAOS!
Happy Fourth of July!
-- Alex Crumb (originally published 4/4/12)
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