Published: Apr 25, 2012 12:00:00 PM


Man, America. We don't need more jobs -- we need better jobs. Ones that make you proud that you've earned an honest day's pay by the sweat of your brow and the strength of your back. The mental health of the citizenry is at stake if we don't make creatively-demanding jobs available. Now, there are some jobs that don't exist yet, maybe because we don't have the technology, but also because we haven't thought of them yet. However, in an ideal world, the following nine would exist. And I'd be good at them. Especially number 7.

9 Jobs That Do Not Exist, But Should (And A Few That Probably Do):

  1. Shark doctor.
    I would heal the sharks, then befriend them. Then I would be ruler of the seas. I'd also harness them and ride them like Iron Face in that episode of Scooby-Doo.
  2. Antique food-tester.
    I mean, I wouldn't do it personally. I'd have a team of interns. No, I would not go around eating unearthed, ancient cakes and pastries, but I would have my guys eat them to make sure it's old. It'd be a cash-only business.
  3. Asteroid-miner (remote-worker).
    I'd control the robot that bounds across asteroids, searching for rare minerals. It'd be nice. I could do it from home and maybe choose my own hours, depending on what timezone the asteroid was in.
  4. Taco innovator.
    America's taco technology has been stagnant for a long time now. We need to inject some new life into it. I'd reboot the taco. It wouldn't have to be dark and gritty like Batman Begins, but I think there's some untapped potential, even in this revered food.
  5. Knight.
    You will either never be called to fight in an actual, real war, or, you will be tasked with fighting a dragon. You'll be on dragon-call. You'd constantly be training to fight dragons so when the call came, you'd be ready to roll. To FIGHT DRAGONS! Side perk: boiled haunches of meat are considered light snacks for knights.
  6. Jaws-of-life truck driver.
    Just the driver. I don't want to operate the device itself, I just want to drive around to see the weird stuff people get trapped in. The car crashes would sort of suck to have to see, but the rest would be funny. People getting stuck in chairs, vending machines, porto-potties, confession-booths, beneath collapsed library book shelf -- things like that. I could distribute blankets and cocoa too.
  7. Clown licensor.
    Because I would deny all of them and finally stop this fucking clown epidemic. I don't care if the circus industry suffers -- throw all the lawyers you want at me, Romania. Build your economy around something else! When I'm done with you, your primary export will be tears!
  8. Punishment-fitter.
    Dude gets sued and doesn't have insurance? Boom, outsource the elaborate punishment to me. I'd design a wide catalog used regularly by both state and federal governments to be referred to in case they needs some bizarre and imaginative punishment. They'd usually fit the crime, and there'd be options pertaining to duration versus inconvenience. Relevant punishments help people learn lessons and improve society, I'm told. That's why God took away my sense of humor when he sent me back down to a very funny planet -- oh, the irony.
  9. Dental school advisor.
    I'd tell everybody to run away. Far away. Don't grow up to be dentists, kids. Teeth are hideous. Oh, the promise of 3-day work weeks and making kids cry as you yank parts of their head out of the mouths with pliers might seem like a good idea to a young man. But you will grow old. And sad.

-- Alex Crumb (originally published 4/25/12)
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