Ahh, another year, another crop of over-qualified slave labor for unhappy mid-management jerks to exploit! Welcome to the terror-dome, new graduates. The good news is, you're probably smarter than you realize. The bad news is that not many people care. It's not really your fault, it's just that you probably have a spine and individuality, more so than any other crop of potential graduates. Also, you're probably dumber than you realize, sorry to circle back on that point. But it's true. You just don't know much about the world you're entering. You might remember I spun up a similar article around this time last year, and you can give it a gander here, but it's a year later, and I'm a year wiser, and wouldn't you know it, there are nine more things worth knowing, now that you've graduated from college to the desert of the real.
1. Get off the Internet!
I'm totally 9/10 not joking about this! The Internet is everywhere, so whenever possible, stay off it. It's no secret that the this exists, and it's called Fear Of Missing Out (or, FOMO, as major broadcasting entities have shortened it to, giving grouchy helicopter moms something to worry about as they change their 1 year-old's diapers ("My God! What if Aiden misses the big party / jousting contest! I never had to worry about such things.")). Your phone is not your friend. Your phone is a tube. It's fer lookin' through. Or listening to. Regardless, as somebody that has been to the far end of the Internet and come back, let me level with you. There ain't nothing out there. Just angry people having slap-fights with other angry people that think they know everything, living on a podium for one made of Elmer's Glue and q-tips. The Internet is a great too for ignoring classes and finding distractions until something more fun comes along, and this is that more fun thing! If you can, stick a cork in your phone, and your newsfeed, and your email, and stride on by all the motherfuckers that scoff of your supposed irresponsibility. They're envious and nutless and paranoid. You aren't.
2. Do something with your hands (other than going to the gym!).
The gym is no longer the pants-tightening congregation it was in college. In the real world, it's just sort of something people do, and it loses the sobering "see and be seen" zeal that formerly accompanied it at certain colleges. That girl you like ain't walking through that door the momen you put up 200 on the bench in real life. Those hands are going to get mighty idle, and it's hard to motivate to go to the gym without that lingering impetus in the background. So do something with your hands. Play softball. Go play with cats at an animal shelter. Learn how to build furniture. Rock climbing. Just don't play frisbee. Seriously, don't play frisbee, unless if you want to hang out with passive-aggressive trust-fund babies cloaked in shitty dreadlocks.
3. Keep a secret.
I heard, or overheard, or read, or maybe just saw on Twitter, that nobody would run a marathon if you had to sign a non-disclosure before doing so. Truer words, man. Now, I think running is a really good thing to do. It's really good for you. There's a good rush. Something chemical happens in a runner's head that develops this association with going for a fucking jog as the most important thing anybody can do. It becomes all they can talk about. Well, I challenge you with this: keep it a secret, man (or lady). More relevant, keep any secret. Do something that you enjoy, do it regularly, become invested in it, and keep it to yourself. You shouldn't give a fuck if other people don't find everything that you do to be utterly enthralling. It's your choice that you brew your own beer. It doesn't matter that nobody knows you secretly play street hockey on Tuesdays. That takes guts to be self-motivated and not requiring constant external validation.
4. Fail at something.
All that stuff about playing softball, or street hockey, or beer brewing, or even ultimate frisbee (still, don't play it, the whole culture is a walking contradiction, I cannot stress this enough (Hi, Brendan!)), none of it really matters in the big picture. So feel free to fail at something. You aren't going to get blemished with a B+ for fucking up your experimental pumpkin patch. Have the vision to see that something didn't work for you right at that moment, and then decide if you want to continue to pursue it again, or be satisfied that it's done, and move on. Failure is underrated. It also goes hand-in-hand with the secrecy thing if you're still the nervous type.
5. Embrace the morning.
In college, you only get up in the morning out of fear of a professor putting a goddamn cigarette out on your transcript, and sometimes, even that isn't enough. In real life, what's stopping you from getting up? Well, if you have a job, it's a similar motivation. However, if you're job hunting, or if you're in grad school, get your shit out of bed! Once the morning commute is over, the streets are pretty empty. Go for a run, leave your house to do your job-hunting, just do something significant in the morning, even if it's something that you secretly know you shouldn't be doing, because that's cathartic, and ain't nothing better than catharsis in the morning.
6. Investigate the opposite industry from your degree -- type-A's need thinkers, thinkers need type-A's.
Job-hunting? Not sure how your degree in American Civilization is going to be applied to the job-market? Go directly with your gut, hammer your way into the interview phase in what you feel is the appropriate industry, and then do a total about-face and figure out what the exact opposite field is. What have you got to lose? Numbers people need smart people that can talk, and loud, talky-people need somebody that can go Rainman on a spreadsheet. There's less of a chance of a psyche-out if you broaden your field of view so widely that you turn you eyeballs so far that they end up looking backwards in your skull. Go interview somewhere random. Go somewhere that seems fun to you.
7. Figure out where the happy people are.
When did you declare your major in colelge? As a sophomore? Know who's a fucking dumbshit? Nineteen year-old you, half-drunk, sitting in a basement office, mumbling through a meeting "deciding" what your lifetime career will be. That kid's not a cartographer. But I bet that person knew the difference between happiness and unhappiness. Figure out where the other happy people are in the real world. Are there happy people at this company you're looking at? Are there happy people in this yoga class? Are there happy people running this deli? Go to the happy, you'll know it when you see it. I can't go to a local sandwich place because the people working the counter look so damn angry all the time. Don't tolerate the fucking grumpiness of people that have given up, minds heavy with the stench of rusty-farts, annoyed that they can't invent a time-machine to travel back and go upside some jerk kid's head with a tack hammer.
8. Invent yourself.
This one is important. And it's hard to define. And hard to see. And it takes a long time. In short, remember that this is all accumulation. There isn't really wasted time as long as you feel you can re-deploy experience as something useful a week from now, or a month from now, or a year from now. You aren't re-inventing yourself, layering different brands of clothing you've never bought before. That's not a terrible analogy though. Once upon a time, I bet your parents bought all your clothes, and maybe didn't buy too many different brands or styles. Now, you're in charge. Mix your experiences and turn it into your style. Wear cheap underwear, and jeans bought at Home Depot, and a belt that used to be your brother's, and a shirt you bought ages ago in a panic in New York City, and a coat you once slept in at an Edinburgh bus-stop, and pull a hood up over your head -- you know, the one that smells -- and remember the billion of things that were required to happened, the things that you're using to invent yourself. That's way better than pulling an entire outfit from the summer collection at Abercrombie, you tasteless, sexless nerd.
9. Do that thing that old white guys do that turns a little bit of money into more money over time.
I think it's called a 401k? Or, like, an IRA? Whatever, don't ask me. I need an old white guy to take my money and do that thing. Is it legal? Whatever, don't care, just make that cash work for me.
And that's all! Master these things and you will find happiness. Hah! No. Or maybe I'm right. Did I miss anything?
-- @Alex Crumb (originally published 5/8/13)
Image from: Memegenerator.
