Published: May 12, 2017 12:00:00 PM

scrambled-signal.gif001) I can already taste that sunlight.

002) Real air is amazing.

003) Did I take Allegra is this morning?

004) Whoa, my keyboard is a phenomenal crumb-catcher.

005) When did I eat raisins?

006) That’s not a raisin.

007) Well, my dad always said everyone will eat a few grams of dirt before they die.

008) I wonder when my forehead got this greasy?

009) I wonder how much light is reflecting off my forehead?

010) I can’t wait to read something printed on paper instead of a computer screen.

011) I can’t wait to rock out with headphones on with fear of reprisal.

012) Standing on a city bus would be heavenly right now.

013) This chair blows.

014) That guy’s chair is different from mine. It’s definitely newer.

015) I wish I’d bought stock in memory foam mattresses before they became a thing.

016) Is it too late to invest in memory foam?

017) The Harry Potter books were really good.

018) I’m gonna walk home. That counts as exercise.

019) I wonder how many times I’ve gotten up out of this chair today?

020) Should I get a FitBit?

021) Admit it, FitBits are really only useful for women that are about to get married.

022) (and for the aging dads that have to give them away)

023) Wait, I think I saw that in an ad?

024) Fuck, that FitBit ad got to me.

025) Bikes are great.

026) Cars suck.

027) What if they just got rid of all the cars in cities? I wouldn’t miss them.

028) But then how would I get to the beach?

029) Eh, the beach is a waste of time.

030) I want to read a book so badly.

031) I’m hungry.

032) I should, just, eat more oatmeal.

033) I could put raisins in the oatmeal.

034) I wonder what the life expectancy will be for my generation?

035) I wonder how much money I’ll inherit when mom and dad die?

036) Fuck, when… yeah, Liz’s wedding is this weekend…

037) I’d love to ruin somebody's wedding someday.

038) I wouldn’t do it back home, I’d do it somewhere exotic, like Spain.

039) I could write a non-fiction New York Times bestselling book about ruining this random person’s wedding.

040) It’d be like a heist movie with blueprints and electrical panels and wires to cut at just the right moments.

041) Shit, I’m having a mental break.

042) I gotta get out of this town.

043) I should rent a Zip-Car and just get out of town tomorrow afternoon.

044) What if I stumbled upon an undiscovered haunted house while I’m out there in the country?

045) “What? Yes, nobody knew about how fucking haunted this house was until I showed up. Super haunted. Ghosts are real, here’s the ghost, they owned slaves, they regret it.”

046) Then I’d escort the ghost around the country as she apologized to all the non-white Americans whose lives she ruined.

047) Why do I imagine the ghost as a woman and racist?

048) Then the ghost turns into a monster and I’m the only one with the guts to put that bitch down.

049) That’s literally just Ghostbusters now.

050) We’re all going to be crushed by the technological singularity anyway someday, who cares if ghosts are real?

051) There is so much pollen in the air right now!

052) Is this a mid-life crisis or just an allergy attack, fuck, I can feel the pressure at the base of my skull.

053) I bet all those soothsayers and oracles back in Bible times just had bad allergies.

054) “What, you got gallons of snot coming out of your eyes and ears? Yeah, just sneeze over there and we can make a judgment call about this whole harvest thing.”

055) Why hasn’t science healed allergies yet?

056) Science can invent Tinder, but it can’t keep me from sneezing from May to September?

057) Science has been coasting ever since amoxicillin.

058) Whoa, that dude is odd-sized.

059) Don’t stare, that’s mean!

060) If I were a scientist, I’d be a fucking good-looking scientist.

061) They’d send me to the UN and I’d address the constituents, and some would grumble, but the good ones would respect my research.

062) Then I’d have to evade a Portuguese assassin—the kind of assassin that grew up tough, on the wrong side of the tracks.

063) If I were a scientist, I’d grab every jerk with money and shake them by the shoulders and just demand all their money be used for something real.

064) Of course, if I were a politician, I’d be corrupt as fucccckkk.

065) I mean, why not? I’d be good if I were a scientist. I’d be corrupt as an elected official. Sue me.

066) Am I talented?

067) Like, am I secretly a genius?

068) Are these shoes are too big?

069) I keep tripping over myself, these shoes must be too big, right?

070) How does the sidewalk get this uneven and cracked?

071) Why even plant these trees if their roots are just gonna fuck up the sidewalk?

072) Then they cut down the tree and what’ve you got? A fucked up sidewalk and a two inch stump.

073) “Should we put this tree here, half embedded into the sidewalk?”

074) “Yeah, let’s risk it! It might ruin the foot-traffic and the tree will live a limp and unfulfilling life, but it’s worth the gamble.”

075) Successful gamblers aren’t even really gamblers anymore, are they?

076) I ought to write a book about the best gambler ever.

077) He’d be a bastard son who just gets it right every time.

078) That’d be well-deserved success.

079) Most success isn’t deserved.

080) Jeez, I don’t deserve any of my success.

081) Wait, sure I do! I’ve had to deal with shit.

082) Like, I’m not roaming the oceans, married to the sea, killing whales like in Moby-Dick, but I’ve had to deal with the worst neighbors ever a few times, and their goddamn EDM.

083) Nobody goes out to the ocean anymore.

084) I suppose there’s no money to be made in the ocean, except if you’re using it to ship iPhones or drilling for oil.

085) There are a billion energy resources here on land, why do these idiots insist on building islands to pound the ocean floor for whatever oil reserves remain out there?

086) The sun shines everywhere, just aim some solar windows at it: boom, problem solved.

087) God, human beings are monsters.

088) Ain’t that the truth?

089) Why don’t they just figure out how to spread the money around?

090) There would be no war, no famine.

091) People could just make stuff they like.

092) Then again, if there was no money, what would we even be living for?

093) Shit, what’re we even living for right now, in the first place?

094) I wish I could give myself amnesia sometimes.

095) Great, I just described giving myself a roofie.

096) Wishing to forget things is probably incredibly unhealthy.

097) So, if we wish we could just forget stuff at will, then how would we change?

098) How would we evolve as a species, even?

099) I guess we wouldn’t?

100) We’ve just got to deal with our shit, whether it hurts or not.

101) Lots of stuff makes us feel like shit, but we keep pushing it off.

102) Just, “Nah, I’m not gonna feel that right now,” and I just watch Hulu.

103) I need to deal with these feelings, good or bad.

104) Dealing with all of this is gonna be uncomfortable.

105) I should tell people what it’s like, that I’m really dealing with these tough feelings.

106) That’d be an awkward conversation.

107) Well, maybe for them?

108) Not for me. I’m dealing with my shit.

-- Alex Crumb
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