Published: Sep 7, 2016 8:00:00 AM


Anyone considering Arnold Schwarzenegger for a movie role needs to have a sense of humor about an Austrian that is capable of squatting a sportscar.

Some of these characters Schwarzenegger plays have awesome names. Some of them have moronic names. Some of the moronic ones fit him flawlessly. Some of the names are too bland.

But which Schwarzenegger character has the best, most fitting name? I've grouped them into tiers for simpliciy, but this is the definitive manifesto on the topic.

1-star Schwarzenegger names (the worst / garbage-tier).

Kalidor, Red Sonja
I ain't havin' it. It's too high-fantasy. It's similar to Conan, except it sucks.

Ivan Danko, Red Heat
Don't turn Arnold's name into a joke. One star.

Jack Slater, Last Action Hero
Too obvious / fake tough. The movie has roughly 15 minutes of solid Shane Black-level film parody, then it becomes atrocious.


Mr. Freeze / Dr. Victor Fries, Batman & Robin
The movie is irredemable. The fact that Arnold plays somebody named Mr. Fries is funny, but he doesn't fit the character.

Rottmayer, Escape Plan
Dumb name. Don't like it.

Trench, The Expendables / The Expendables 2 / The Expendables 3
Dumb name. His character in the Exependables movies is dumb. His cameos are stupid. Only Expandables 1 is worth watching.

2-star Schwarzenegger names (getting better / small-tier).

Hercules, Hercules In New Work

Dr. Alex Hesse, Junior
Too strange. Not funny. Two stars.

John ‘The Eraser’ Kruger, Eraser
Trying to sound too tough. Too Austrian. Too on the nose. Eraser is okay.

Ray Owens, The Last Stand
Too normal. Isn't funny when you yell it.

3-star Schwarzenegger names (the meat / mid-tier).

Conan, Conan the Barbarian
One of the best characters. One of the best names.

Terminator, The Terminator / Terminator 2 / Terminator 3 / Terminator Genysis
Also an excellent character with a name that speaks to the thrust of Arnold's thesis as an actor and as a presence in the world.

Mark Kaminsky / Joseph Brenner, Raw Deal
I've never seen Raw Deal, but I love it whenever has has two names.

Douglas Quaid / Hauser, Total Recall
I've seen Total Recall. It owns. He has two names, which I love, and is The Best.


John Warton, Sabotage
Sounds like the name of an Arizon home-ec teacher. It fits the lunacy of giving Arnold an American-sounding name.

Wade Vogel, Maggie
Sounds like a guy who might play golf with your dad.

4-star Schwarzenegger names (excellent / diamond-tier).

Dutch, Predator
A classic. One name. What does it mean? Who cares. What is it short for? Who knows. Predator owns.

Harry Tasker, True Lies
Because the movie is beautiful.

Howard Langston, Jingle All the Way
What? Four stars.

Adam Gibson, The 6th Day
He sounds like an IT manager. It's probably an homage to William Gibson because screenwriters have only a loose grasp on remarkable homages.

Gordy Brewer, Collateral Damage
He sounds like an HR manager. I love it.

5-star Schwarzenegger names (the best / god-tier).

John Matrix, Commando
The impetus for this list. The original and one of the best. John Matrix, played by Arnold Schwarzenegger, in the film Commando, is the best father in film.


Ben Richards, The Running Man
Ben Richards! Yes, the helicopter pilot built like a Czech hatchback is named Ben Richards.

Julius Benedict, Twins
I don't know why, but I love it?

Detective John Kimble, Kindergarten Cop
I like it when he screams his name and rank at children. "I'm Detective Johh Kimble!"

Jericho Cane, End of Days
This name is stupid. I love it. Five stars.

-- Alex Crumb
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