Published: Aug 29, 2016 12:00:00 PM

gray-witches.pngEvery year, the earth undergoes a tilt that forces the sun's nourishing radioactivity ever-so-much further to travel. That extra time spent in the outer space's deathly darkness cools it a few degrees. Measured on a galactic scale, the temperature isn't a terrible shift.

It is, however, enough to force you to put on a sweater.

This is the transition from summer to fall. It's the number-one best seasonal transition.

Fall to winter is just depressing and cruel. Winter to spring is a false start with a fart and a trip before a real change. Spring to summer always elicits cries for mother nature to just get on with it and bless you with sunshine and vacation.

No, the transformation from summer to fall is chart-topper, undefeated, modern-human seasonal change.

The reasons why ought to be obvious:

1) Wearing pants is more comfortable.

Wearing pants makes you feel like a cyborg. If you were a real hairless sasquatch without a brain, you'd freeze to death the moment winter hits. But you aren't. You're smart enough to strap on battle armor and live a richer life in defiance of the gathered elements as summer changes into fall.

Pants are great. You can wear them loose and comfortable. You can wear them tighter, and they're still comfortable. They stabilize your overall core body temperature with peak clothing efficiency. Short pants are worn out of necessity, either because it's hot, or because you're a English schoolboy who is constantly tripping and grass-staining your knees on the way to your daily elocution lessons.

Comfortable pants cement you in unerring confidence. The fall's tempature doesn't demand you consider bundling up the rest of your body yet. You simply wear pants and the job is taken done.

Furthermore, you can wear cool shoes with pants. The summer months demand you be more mindful in the heat. If it's winter, you often need gigantic boots for snow. The spring can't decide if it's going to be rain, or mud, or freezing, or boiling.

No, fall is the age of pants. It is great.

2) Watching people complain about cold weather is good sport.

While on the subject, the transition from summer to fall is an opportunity to discover the fortitude in those around you. After months of not having to devote a single brain cell to the surrounding environment, gifted summertime by a generous planetary tilt, people must suddenly remember that life is an unforgiving beast-monster that will freeze you dead if you don't recall the tiniest modicum of survival instinct.

It's not like people haven't experienced a seasonal change in the weather before. It always comes as a shock though, doesn't it? Perhaps if you're an ignorant, child-like concussion-victim.

Summer is a season where certain people feel ultra-entitled to only good things. If there's a cloudy day in the summer, a cry goes up: "Where did the good weather go? This isn't what summer weather is supposed to be!"

When the season changes to fall, the same shriek blasts forth: "Why isn't it always so hot I can't conceivably function without a machine to cool me?"

Really? Is it not what you've become accustomed to? The transition from summer to fall forces brains to wake up. Some take it in stride. Others act as if a cosmic injustice has been exacted upon them, individually.

Listen, God throws dice on the timeline humanity is capable of comprehending, and the earth's axis tilts. This has nothing to do with you.

3) Beer tastes better when it's cooler outside.

This is something you notice, but might not be immediately aware.

When it's cooler, and you're wearing long sleeves, and your nerves are just a little more awake from the chilled wind, beer tastes better. The same goes for coffee, apple cider, or just about any distinct taste.

There is one explanation: the temperature discrepency is at an optimal balance in the fall. When you drink a beer in the summer, it has to be chilled down to a low temperature, lest it be overheated by the surrounding air. It is usually chilled too much. That's why cheap domestic American beers are served very cold: because it'd be better to taste nothing than it's actual rust-belt, coal-mine flavor.

However, if you drink a beer in the fall, there is no temptation to over-chill it, rendering it flavorless. Instead, it's air-chilled, and, hey, turns out this beer tastes like something.

The fall brings flavor back to life in all things. That "crispness" you hear about in ads for Pumpkin Spice isn't entirely made up.

Anything you'd like to add to the list?

-- Alex Crumb
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