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The Only Perfect Destiny Review On The Internet

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Destiny is a $60 bookshelf.

Part 1: Why Is It So Hard To Reviews Destiny?

Bad marketing can turn insecure people into jerks.

You've seen folks of that sort, their words weed-whacker buzzing and thrashing all about the Internet, summoning the jargon they've been taught to justify a purchase. Good jargon indicates good marketing and good long-tail marketing contains language to turn customers into delighted evangelists. Ideally, these people promote a product long after the purchase. Once the person has bought the item, and experienced it, they’ll want to talk about its worth beyond the dollar amount applied to it. It doesn't matter if it's a $1000 iPhone 6 pre-order or a $60 copy of Destiny. When certain people buy things, they’re going to have to talk themselves into the purchase again and again.

That phobia can sometimes drive further purchases, so good marketing will promote that iterative insecurity. The new iPad is out. You already have an iPad. Best to fight the discomfort about a product’s outdated feel and simply buy a newer version to postpone the doubtful conversation. The new iPad also comes armed with a new arsenal of featured buzzwords.

How can we properly communicate justification for our vanity IN OUR OWN WORDS? That would be vain, in and of itself. You’re no expert on iPads. We need somebody else’s to distance ourselves from that responsibility.

Lucky for us, the videogame industry has crafted a whole lexicon for helping us explain the reason behind buying these granite-stupid entertainment products. Entire public relations departments are paid to spend their real-live workdays deciding on words to describe their work so it makes sense to a consumer. Heck, after studying hard and handling the language correctly, a thirteen year-old might even be able to explain Destiny to his aunt on Thanksgiving, in order to prepare for Black Friday.

The Terrible, Epic Haircuts Of Destiny's Character Creator

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During the beta for Destiny on PS4, I found myself falling into hour-long hysterical fits creating dramatic, epic haircuts and unlovable face in the game's character creator.

Destiny's mythology grants you foundtional reasoning for crafting these bizarre future-humans, exotic Awoken, and creaking androids. I don't really recall what those reasons were. Nonetheless, tattoos, pre-set faces, and hairstyles that are so very KOREANfor lack of a better term at the momentI was doubled-over laughing along with my Twitch stream (follow when the Destiny launches September 9). The audience spiked while I was in taking the haircut-selector on a free-form jazz odyssey. I suppose that's what people really want to see, isn't it? Zillions of human work-hours and millions of actual dollars to make Destiny, and all people want to see is me laughing at weird combinations of hair colors, and cheekbones, and Bruce Campbell-chins on an alien woman.

Hope you enjoy the greatest hits, captured using the PlayStation 4's screenshot button, and you can view more info on each one by clicking the View on Instagram button in the upper right of each photo embed:

The Avengers: A New Era Of Serialzed Movies

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Marvel Cinematic Universe’s modern era of storytelling continuity welcomes everybody to the dork-engineered popular culture.

I remember walking out of a podunk two-screen theater in May, 2008, and it was still cold. My ego was glowing and my friend and I were congratulating each other. We had previously relished in the noir film Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang, starring Robert Downey Jr. as an wit-soaked con man who was clawing and self-narrating his way out of the gutter of small-time New York crookery into LA’s equally-loathly private investigation scenery. Seeing Downey as a maximum-level skuzzball in that film armed my friend and I with insider knowledge that not many knew—he was visionary casting as Tony Stark, aka Iron Man.

Downey was arrogant. He was a recovering drug abuser. Like the best of such men, he was a rock ‘n roll buzzsaw. He was Iron Man.

Transcendence | Stupid Sci-Fi Movie Review


“Why don’t you just turn it off?” Rebecca Hall’s character, Evelyn, chides during TRANSCENDENCE’s opening.

part i | TRANSCENDENCE is full of bad ideas

What high school sophomore scribbled this story, eyes leering in bored desperation at the stains on the classroom ceiling, searching for a clear thought as his math and home-ec classes ooze and BLORP together? Truly, if a high school sophomore conceived of the story of a man that dies and is reborn again as a godlike computer through his wife’s pants-on, lights-on, Facetime-on-iPad love-facsimile, then it was most certainly proof-written by his gluten-free former-missionary Earth Sciences teacher.

I don’t think that anybody will ever like this movie, ever.

Ninja Gaiden 3: Razor's Edge | Review

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"The last of his people comes to a strange land."

part i | Ninja Gaiden 3: Razor's Edge is a suicide note

As a reminder, only sociopaths take full, physical glee in videogame violence.

Ninja Gaiden 3: Razor's Edge positions the series' main character, Ryu Hayabusa, as an outdated, barbaric relic. All he does is slaughter. He's kept his face hidden, hardly talking at all. His favorite weapon is a sword, one sharp enough to hack off limbs. You can't track him, he's inhumanly agile. Other global forces from outside Japan whisper tall tales about the ninja and just how many people he has killed in his life. The actions of a videogame character are being dragged into a realer light—what, did you think nobody would notice when you just spent two full games leaping over rooftops, summoning demons to modern cities, killing the demons, beheading people, and then vanishing off into the secluded hills of Japan. It's like, man, Japan is full of psychos, isn't it?

In games and in real life, I mean. Right? There is a western videogame producer somewhere snorting over his early-morning Monster Energy Drink, wondering who makes a game where your avatar is a masked, remorseless bladestorm in this day and age? When will the Japanese learn that that isn't what videogames are about anymore?

Ryu the super-ninja is outdated.

The Best PS3 Games of the Generation (Alphabetical)

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It was not difficult to decide on the best games on the PlayStation 3.

The first test was to try to remember which ones I really liked.

The second test was to try to write about them. Some couldn't summon strong memories. Others were pungent with feeling, really slathered in emotion, you know? The PS3 was a strong system. If somebody asked me which games they should buy for it. This is the list.

These are the essential PS3 games.

In Defense Of The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

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With the two Hobbit movies, we, the people that bother to think, and wonder, and hope for good movies set in worlds other than our own, are living the life. We are not living well, though.

The movies are so long. They serve so many masters, standing trial accused of Being A Chopped-Up Hobbit Movie and three charges of Being A Lord Of The Rings Movie. There are a lot of places for them to go wrong and send out ripples of wrong across all of that real estate.

Phrases And Memes That Need To Disappear From The Internet

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Hey, everybody! It's the Internet! It's that galactic, pirouetting party that never gets shut down—because the sun never comes up in the Internet, dummy, Al Gore programmed it that way—full of conversation, debate, shouting, threats, and dicks, literal and metaphorical.

Quick Question #5: What Is The Best Zelda Game? (Part 5)

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The best Zelda game is the one you compare all the others to. For years and years.


The best Zelda game is familiar until you catch a glimpse of it in a mirror, or from a different altitude, or at a different time of day, or at a different time in your life, and then it becomes a very unique creature. If you play Ocarina of Time, it is timeless and does not necessitate embellishment. The Wind Waker is a boy against nature, against a world, against an ocean. The growing love in Link's Awakening, and its dreadful, predestined destruction at your hands is hurtful to carry out. For Majora's Mask, being overwhelmed by the moon's descent drives you to the game's human side, where you discover that the world's inhabitants need your help, beyond saving the very earth they walk upon.

Quick Question #4: What Is The Best Zelda Game? (Part 4)

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The best Zelda game wants you to know it better than you know yourself.


The best Zelda game is the one that shares your air-tight values that you always had in the back of your head, evoking a, "Yeah, of course, what else would a Zelda game look like?" Majora's Mask and the two Nintendo DS games, Phantom Hourglass, and Spirit Tracks, cast their lots at this task. Calculated, they understood the nuance that could be in a Zelda, presenting their offerings graciously.

Tangential, though not apocryphal, these are extended epilogues that became adventures all their own, leading the player along more intimate adventures that concern the fate of the world, and the fate of people in equal standing. Though their art-style may be borrowed from other games, they don't suffer. The games' worlds are spun instead of copied. They are slathered in familiarity when you ought to be comforted, just as they are warped when having a sure thing taken from you is going to cut you off at the knees.

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